Coffee Cup of Regrets Hourglass of Lost Time
by Shoumai
Summary: Set in a less messed up anime universe. Five times Shinji noticed something he and Kaworu would never get to be, and the one time he talked to someone about it.


A/N: Had this prompt in my head for a bit now and haven't been in a good place lately. Those things finally fit together on Wednesday and this popped out.

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

...

1

...

Somehow, even with the persistent summer heat, the empty space on Shinji's bed was cold. He didn't want to notice it. Instead, Shinji curled in on himself further and further; the encroaching coldness spreading to the spaces of the bed he relinquished.

The upbeat music on his SDAT felt like it mocked his feelings and the thoughts he wanted desperate to drown out. It wasn't working. It wasn't working at all.

Shinji finally reached behind himself, letting his fingers feel the cool emptiness of the sheets. A thought came to him, making his eyes sting but he refused to cry.

 _'I'm never going to fall asleep next to Kaworu again.'_

...

2

...

Walking to school in the morning had become something of a somber experience. It was a walk they would never take together. One Shinji tried to memorize all the same, as if he'd ever get the chance to tell Kaworu about it at a grave the angel didn't have.

There were couples talking and laughing, hand in hand as they went.

 _'He's never going to hold my hand again, either.'_ Shinji put both of his hands in his pockets and kept walking.

...

3

...

"He did what? You're kidding!"

Shinji tried to focus on the TV and not the sounds of Asuka on the phone with Hikari. She was laughing now, laying on the floor and flipping through a magazine. She was in a good mood lately.

Shinji turned his gaze back to the television. He had managed to stay focused on it and drown out Asuka's conversation with the red head had another particularly loud outburst.

"No way! He kissed you?!"

 _'We're never going to have a first kiss.'_ Shinji wondered what it would have been like, Kaworu's lips against his own. Warm, he was sure. And gentle. Kaworu had always been warm and gentle. Maybe in a scenario just like this, the two of them watching TV together. Kaworu would touch his shoulder, say his name, Shinji would turn, and then they'd kiss.

Shinji came back to himself when he pressed his fingers to his mouth. Suddenly he was exhausted.

...

4

...

Shinji sighed, bubbles rising out of the LCL. He syncro-rating was dropping again. Misato... Ritsuko... his father... they were going to be disappointed in him. As Unit 01 powered off Shinji closed his eyes, he wanted just one moment of peace. Though that seemed beyond his ability to get.

...

The showers didn't help much either and Shinji tried not to make eye contact with anyone during the review.

"Are we done now?" Asuka asked impatiently. "I have a date to get ready for." She crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot.

 _'Oh, that's right.'_ The thought struck Shinji suddenly, unwanted. _'We'll never have a first date.'_ He was starting to get used to these bitter revelations and trying to accept them. If only to ease the ache they caused.

Something must have shown on his face, or maybe they'd been done and he missed it. Because Asuka leaned into his view. "If you don't stop being so gloomy all the time you'll wind up old and alone." She said in that sharp manner of hers, cutting through whatever she saw as in her way; Shinji included.

Misato opened her mouth, maybe to scold Asuka, but she didn't get to.

Shinji's lips quirked up into something too bitter and too broken to be a smile. "I guess so." He said, the words tasted like a cold, shredded comfort. Like crying yourself to sleep.

Asuka's eyes immediately flashed to anger. "Idiot!" She shouted as she spun on her heel and stormed away.

Rei looked at Shinji like she wanted to say or do something but he didn't offer any way for it. The air held some solemn certainty, and it was the most he had had in a long time.

...

5

...

Misato's engagement ring caught on the light as she lifted her beer can to her lips and Shinji couldn't help but stare from his place at the sink. It wasn't anything extravagant, just a thin gold band with one stone but Misato had been thrilled when Kaji gave it to her.

 _'Kaworu and I are never getting married. We'll never have this.'_ The idea should probably startle Shinji far more than it does but after what Asuka said at the last syncro ratings test something had begun to settle into place in his mind. He had never loved before Kaworu, and he would never love after Kaworu. There had been so little of Shinji to begin with, and he had given it all to the angel freely. Now there wasn't enough of anything left in Shinji for even himself, much less another person.

Instead, he entertained the thought of which of them would have proposed, what kind of ring it might've been, who he would have told first.

Misato smiled with a sparkle in her eyes and good natured teasing on her lips. "Are you thinking about who you want wearing your ring someday, Shin-chan? You've grown up so fast."

Shinji flushed at being caught, now a bit distracted from his thoughts. "No!" He protested in embarrassment. "That sort of thing... it isn't going to be like that..." Blue eyes looked away, to the table, to the floor.

Misato's expression softened, becoming gentle and serious. "I'm sure you're going to be very happy with someone someday." She reassured, "these things have their way of working out."

Shinji sucked in a breath. Misato was the only one he had told after he ki- after Kaworu died. She was the closest thing he had to someone who understood. For her sake, Shinji did his best to smile.

...

+1

...

It was much too early to be awake on a Sunday, dawn only having just broken, but Shinji sat quietly at the kitchen table with a steaming mug of black coffee between his palms. It was hot, and bitter, and it helped to soothe the ache that lived in the background of Shinji's life, occasionally poking out to the forefront. _'We'll never have this.'_ It was a thought that had become common now. The sting familiar, though no less sharp, muddled with a fog of mournful acceptance that had seeped into the wound.

Shinji did his best to preserve the moments as he caught them. Dry them out and fold them up with care and tuck them into the corners of his mind for safekeeping. A thousand little dreams dreamed too late and never to be realized.

"Shinji? It's pretty early to be starting your day."

Shinji turned to look behind him, seeing Kaji in his pajamas and only just awake but rapidly becoming more aware.

"I just..." Shinji replied, speaking as quietly as Kaji had, not wanting to wake anyone.

Kaji waved a hand. "It's okay. Mind if I sit with you? I don't think I can get back to sleep either."

"Sure." Shinji watched as Kaji retrieved a mug from the cupboard and poured some coffee into it from the pot before going to sit at the opposite end of the table.

They say in peaceful silence for awhile, Shinji just beginning to drift back into his thoughts when Kaji spoke again. "You look like a man with something on his mind."

Shinji looked at Kaji. a little surprised at being called on it. He weighed over lying, denying it, ignoring it, and going back to his room. He chose to speak. "You know when you're growing up how there are all sorts of things expected of you, but also sort of promised to you?" Shinji began, looking up from his coffee to make eye contact.

"What sort of things?" Kaji asked, clearly awake now and listening.

"Things like being in love. Like holding hands and kisses, like having a special song or that one place you always go to together. Like sharing secrets and getting married." Shinji's eyes went back to his coffee mug, seeing his own reflection staring back at him. "I used to tell myself not to believe in it, that I was never going to have those things, But secretly, I wanted to be wrong and I hoped for them anyway. And I had it. I had it for one day. Other people gets years but I've already had everything I'm ever going to have in that one day."

"Shinji." The teen looked up reluctantly and Kaji continued. "I know that it feels that way right now but you're still young with your life ahead of you. There will be other days with other people."

Shinji took in a slow breath, he could feel a faint shaking in his limbs, a tightness in his throat, and the beginning sting in his eyes. He took in his own solemn certainty with the air in his lungs. "That's not going to work." He said, voice quiet and a bit uneven. "All of those days would be with someone else. The only days I'll ever want, that could ever be at all for me, are days with him. And we only had one."


End file.
